DAY 14
Dear Veysi,
after I broke up my first relationship, I went on a holiday trip with my mother to Türkiye and here I met you.
You came like a storm into my life and you were so kind, passionate and a little bit authoritative, something that I needed after the breach of trust I went through.
We fell in love with each other. You called me prenses (the turkish word for princess) and you were my çikolata (the turkish word for chocolate), because your eyes were as brown as the most delicious chocolate I’ve ever eaten.
In the first year we made a long-distance relationship, and every 2 months I took a few days off and flew to you. But it was not enough for me, so I decided to take the first big risk in my life.
I gave up everything that I had in Germany; my job, my apartment and for the first time I was completely separated from my parents with a distance of more than 3.000 kilometers at the age of 25.
It was my first experience to had completely stand on my own feet, but I was not afraid because I had you.
You always seemed so self-confident and as if nothing could shake you, but today I understand that it was just a facade.
You were so broken inside and wounded, because you were carrying so much pain of loss, that I started to see in our second year.
By living together, you began to open up and told me about your past and that you had lost your parents at the age of 12. After this you and your siblings were separated and split to different aunts and uncles. And you were chosen to live at an uncle in Germany. Separated from your beloved sisters and brothers you had to come clear to live with an uncle and his wife you barely know and that in a country which traditions and language you couldn’t understand.
You told me how much you struggled and at the age of 17 you tried to commit suicide, but you failed. For 4 months you were looked up in a psychiatry, but with the help of a female teacher that really cared about you, you finally got released and found your strength to stood up and start over.
But when you were 20, your uncle wanted to force you to marry a Turkish woman, so your only chance to escape from this was to go back to your home country.
You made it but now you were all alone, because all uncles and aunts that lived in Türkiye didn’t want to help because you defied the instructions of your uncle in Germany, who became the head of the family after your father died.
But this time you stayed strong, I think you wanted to proof your family that you could make it without them and you did.
When we met 6 years later you had your job, your apartment and you carried on every day. You even managed to get and stayed in contact with your siblings again.
When we were talking about our future it was all shining bright, but the reality was different.
Yes, I lived in a country with a wonderful warm climate, even in winter it was always at least 16 degrees Celsius and when I looked out of my bedroom window there was the mediterranean sea only 500 meters away from our apartment.
But I had barely time to step inside of this water, because I worked 12 hours every day, and I really mean also Saturday and Sunday too, with only one day off every 3 weeks.
And do you know what I did on my day off?
Laundry and sleep, because I was exhausted.
Don’t get me wrong, it was also a time in my life that I wouldn’t want to have missed. Before, I was a shy woman who hardly spoke to strangers. But when I worked at the reception desk of the wellness center at this 5-star resort, I had to be the one in charge.
I spoke to the customers and collected money, I organized which masseur had to do which massage and all this in Turkish, English, German, French and a few words of Russian that I learned on the job. And at the end of the day, I did the bookkeeping and calculated and paid the employees’ wages.
And I will always keep the memories of the different types of people I met there and today I see, that they all struggled in one way or another.
A mirror of the divine for the struggling inside of me, but at this time I didn’t understand it.
And although we both earned so much money that we could have led a good life, we slowly ran out of it in the third year.
I couldn’t explain why, because I gave you my money to pay the rent, electricity and water. But people kept knocking on the door and telling me they didn’t get anything. And when I asked you, you always told me that it was just a misunderstanding.
With this behavior you took something away from me that I’m still working to get back.
You took away my sense of security.
You taught me what it feels like to not know if I’ll have a roof over my head the next day or if I’ll have enough money for food tomorrow.
And from that point on we started to have a lot of arguments about it, but you still refused to admit, that we had a problem.
I really tried my best to save our relationship but then there was this night, like Papa wanted to tell me: “Go, RUN!”
I’ll never forget the night I woke up because our bed was shaking like there was an earthquake. I looked around the room in a complete panic and finally realized that it wasn’t the floor that was moving, it was you. You jerked next to me as if you were having a seizure and I could hear your heart beating so loudly that it scared me. You once told me that you had a small congenital heart condition, but that it was nothing serious. But here you were and I was completely helpless. In Germany I would have called the emergency services straight away, but here, with my broken Turkish, I wouldn’t even have been able to explain what was going on and what our exact address was. Because there are hardly any street names in Türkiye, just house numbers arranged in a complete mess.
Because I didn’t know what else to do, I shook you in panic. And after a few seconds, you opened your eyes and gasped violently. It was as if you were going to suffocate at any moment and with a trembling hand you reached for the water bottle on the bedside cabinet and poured the water down your throat. It didn’t take a second for you to start coughing like you were vomiting because the water had obviously gotten into your airways.
And all I could do was sit by and watch in shock at what was happening and hope that you wouldn’t drop dead. But then, thank God, you stopped coughing and started taking deep breaths again.
I was so relieved and in complete shock at the same time.
And at that moment I realized that I had to leave.
Two days later, I took a flight back home and I didn’t tell you that I wasn’t coming back because I was afraid you wouldn’t let me go.
I know that wasn’t nice of me, but I had to save myself.
Months later, after I returned to my home country, I revealed that you were addicted to gambling and that was the reason why we never had enough money, because you always lost it when you played card with your boys.
So much bonds between you and me are still in my system, I can feel it while I am writing these words.
I know that you never wanted to hurt me, I loved you and you loved me, but this was not my path. I need to cut these lines.
And I hope that I can heal this wound inside of me, because since that day I still wake up every time when someone lies next to me in bed and makes a move while I am sleeping. There is still this panic inside that comes up every time.
So, I call you my guides and all the light beings around me to help me cut these bonds.
I am going to take the big golden scissors now and cut the lines to lies, hidden truths, old deep wounds, and feigned strength.
All that is left now is the unconditional love for you.
And I beg you Papa, that you help Veysi find a happy life and a relationship with a woman that gave him the love he earns.
Thank you, my guides and all the light beings, around me, for the help to heal these wounds.
Thank you, Papa, for this opportunity, I love you.