DAY 4
Dear mother,
you have born me after 13 hours of pain.
And I now know that I had chosen you to be my mother.
You had such a hard life. Raised by a mother that hit you every time you came late home or you hadn’t done something fast enough.
You had to work hard as a child. Even if it was to feed the ducks, geese, chickens and rabbits or the long-term gardening because of those endless vegetable patches and fruit trees your parents had. And you had to help your mother with housework on the top of it.
Even your father was not such a cold fish like your mother he was rarely in the house. He was a hard worker and he did not have the power to stand up to his wife.
Your only chance to escape from this was to marry the first man you fell in love with. Then my sister was born and 3 years later I came. But your marriage wasn’t under a shining star.
Your husband got addicted to alcohol. And even he made therapy 2 times he couldn’t get away from it. Because you were afraid that he might hurt my sister or me when he was drunk you divorced him.
And then he made therapy number 3 in order to get his family back. When he came out it all looked fine, but as his own mother didn’t want him in her house, you took him back because of the feelings you still had for him. Two weeks later he hangs himself up in our cellar and you found him when you came home from work.
I will never be able to imagine how much of a trauma this created in your soul. And at this time you could not process it. You just never talked about it.
The first time we had a real conversation about this was when I got 23 years old.
You buried that burden in your heart and carried on as a single mother. You try to play a happy life in front of my sister and me. But now I can see how broken you was.
Then you found your second husband and we became a happy family after all.
But even you tried to be those lovely heart-warmed mother, you never had, I always felt a distance between you and me.
When I grow up you always was in impatience and full of stress. You never let me try new things, you always sad that I can’t do it anyways.
When I made mistakes, I was pointed out very firmly and punished with a very disappointed look. When I accidently something broke in the house you yelled at me.
And you were always pessimistic. You talked my dreams small and that I should forget them, because they never came true. And you told me that I ever should be staying realistic. Und on the top of it, you told me not to talk with strangers about my problems. Because it is so important that your neighbors have a very good impression of you. And you always forced me to do things that I didn’t wanted do.
Pressure was your key, especially emotional pressure.
Basically, you thought me that it is not allowed for me to
- have my own opinion
- communicate my feelings and problems
- make mistakes
- being myself
- doing things, I am passionate about
- being loud and having fun
- go out when I want
And that was the reason I never had this real mother-daughter connection with you.
You didn’t understand me and I didn’t understand you.
Now I can see that you struggled with fear, anger, frustration, and excessive demand all the time.
Then you got divorced from your second husband after almost 25 years of marriage and you finally get the courage to start a therapy and coming to terms with the past.
And today we talk about everything.
Sometimes you are more like an older friend than a mother and asking me for some advice.
But still those programs are in my system and blocking me to follow my path.
So, I call you my guides and all the light beings around me to help me cut these bonds.
I am going to take the big golden scissors now and cut the lines to all those believes and words what I can not do or what I am not.
And all that is left from now on is:
That I can do whatever I want.
That I can follow my dreams and make them come true.
That I can talk to every person I want about my feelings and problems.
That I can ask for help if I need it.
That I can work on my passions as long and as often I want to.
That I have a voice and I can use it, no matter how loud.
That I can make mistakes and learn from them.
And that I can be myself from now on and don’t need to hide anymore.
I don’t blame you for everything mother, we both did what we have agreed in our soul contract, long before I was born.
Thank you for being on my side for the last 41 years and hopefully a lot more to come.
I love you unconditionally and I will always do.
Thank you my guides and all the light beings around me, for the help to erase this blockades inside of me.
Thank you, Papa, for this opportunity, I love you.