DAY 11
Dear father Dietmar,
I have only one memory about you and that is how you sit in our living room in a armchair watching TV and having a beer in your hand.
But you were never a part of my conscious life. And my mother never spoke about you.
At the age of 17 I figured out by an old birthday calendar from my grandmother, that you had the same birthday like me.
My male cousin then told me that you worked for an organization for state security in DDR when Germany was separated in two parts. And this organization was known for its cruel punishment methods against enemies of the state, controlling and watching methods over all people in DDR and separating families just to make rebellions shut their mouth.
And because you couldn’t deal with all the cruelty you saw there you started drinking alcohol to numbing your feelings.
But maybe this is something that I learned from you, being addicted to something that isn’t good for me.
Your vice was alcohol, mine was chocolate and sweets.
I can’t even tell how many tones of chocolate I put in my mouth just to get a slight feeling of being loved. For some seconds the sweets gave me a higher emotion, but as fast as come as fast it was over. So I kept going putting more and more chocolate inside my mouth.
It was my comfort when I felt alone. It was my anker when I was hurt. And it was my best friend when I was asking myself why no one liked me.
Today I know that no chocolate in the world could give me the love that I have to give to myself.
When you finally realized, that you had a problem with alcohol it was to late, because you already had lost your family. So, you could see no other answer than end your life by hanging yourself in our cellar.
I was 4 when you passed and I am still thankful that it was not me who found you.
But I am still sad a little bit, that I never had the chance to really meet you. Also, I know, that we will see each other when my time is come, so I just have to wait and see.
Altough I never could make a real connection between you and me I have this feeling that there is some sort of a confusing bond I have to eliminate to get through this.
So, I call you my guides and all the light beings around me to help me cut these bonds and help me erase whatever needs to be taken from me.
I am going to take the big golden scissors now and cut the lines to misunderstanding, cruelties and the feeling of left behind.
All that is left now is the unconditional love for my father.
Thank you, my guides and all the light beings, around me, for the help to heal this relationship.
Thank you, Papa, for this opportunity, I love you.