DAY 1

I am a woman of 41 years and I stuck in a life that I hoped never to have.

And even I became many advices and methods I am still not the person that I used to be.

In my inner self I am still that woman that got hurt so many times and until now is not able to bring out her real feelings.

Because of the family I grew up in I never learned how to properly do this.

My grandmother had a very hard life. When she was a child she had to step over the dead bodies in the battle fields of world war two. She never really talked about it; all I know is that she had nightmares every night. In order to deal with it, she became a cold-hearted woman.  She tried to control everything in her environment. But when something got off the line, she could become very mad. Today I can admit it, that I was afraid of her. So, I did everything immediately she asked me to do, so I could never get in trouble. And this was the woman that raised my mother.

My mother tried to do it better. She hugged me when I was a child and at least gave her best to show me love. But because of the influence of her mother, she became a woman with no patience. When she told me to do something I had to do it right along. Otherwise, she became loud and very pissed. She was all the time stressed and always like on a run. And on the top of it with a constantly changing mood. One moment you could have fun with her and the next moment she was so mad for no reason.

These are the two woman I raised up with.

I am a person that is looking for harmony but, in my childhood, I could never find it.

And truth to be told since today I don’t feel comfortable with other women, I simply can’t trust them.

Let alone have me and my mother ever talked about feelings and love. She simply just didn’t know by herself, because she also did not learn it.

So, all these feelings that I came up with, I never could express them in a really good way.

And I had no one that I could ask.

So, for 41 years all emotions that flew through my body, all those anger, fear, hopelessness, and bad feelings stuck inside of me.

But in the last weeks more and more a constant desire is rising up inside of me.  

I want to change my life.

I need to become that person, that I destined to be.

And to do so, I have to work through my past and my traumas.

So this is my way of doing this inner work.

By writing a diary about all that came up to me, reflecting my experiences and try to find a solution with the help of the divine.

I am ready for this journey; I can feel it!

DAY 2